If I could just say what I was thinking…

I’ve never said exactly what I was thinking.   There were times when I just wanted to grab you, shout at you, and make you see what I see.  I tip toed around and around, swept things under the rug over and over, and never just sat across from you and directly said the things that I needed.  My non-negotiables.  My boundaries.  My wants.

When I’m ready, and hopefully one day I am, I’ll tell you all the things I wish I would have long ago.  I’ll tell you about the pain and hurt I felt by your lack of sincerity.  There are so many times I think about when I go back through our time growing up, some happy, some sad, and some I wish I could forget.  Many situations when your actions were down right cruel and unforgiving.  When I think back of the things I’ve wanted to say, I can’t believe I didn’t set my boundaries long ago.  If I could just say everything I was ever thinking…

I would tell you that you’re selfish.

I would tell you that I’ve never really counted on you for valuable advice.

I would tell you that I’m disappointed that you’ve chosen to be so cold hearted.

….that you’ve sat around feeling so sorry for strangers, but you never showed me the compassion I needed for what happened to me.

…that I could never count on you.

I would tell you that I don’t understand why you’re so emotionally unavailable.

I would tell you that I hate how defensive you are.

….that you lack empathy.

….that you self absorbed, fake, and probably just have no idea your self worth

I would tell you that you have no idea how much I love you.  That I never wanted recognition for the things I did for you, I just wanted you to give me the same effort I gave you.  That since I first met you I couldn’t take my eyes off of you because whether you believe it or know it or don’t you really are beautiful, but I want your soul to reflect how beautiful you are on the outside and I know that it can.  I would tell you that I can’t accept any less any more.  That for so long I’ve allowed such a lack of respect and unconditional love that you gave me what I allowed.

Someone recently told me I’m at a turning point in my life, the scariest part is setting boundaries for the ones I love the most and would do anything for.  People like you.

 

 

 

Soul Searching…

How do you find yourself at 32?

Small memories of my childhood peak through, occasionally I question if the memories are in fact memories or dreams of what I wished for.

At 4 I tried to suffocate my baby brother by putting a pillow over his bassinet, ok I don’t think in the mind of a 4 year old I had any intentions of hurting him but that’s the way he remembers it.

At 5 I got these cool, probably lame, biker shorts.  That’s alllll I wanted for my birthday.

Sometime after that I moved to Oklahoma.  I remember a water bed, my little brothers vivid nightmares that terrified me, my aunt coming to visit and letting me have wine coolers, my sister pulling me into the restroom and telling me if anything ever happened to me that I promised to tell her.  I had no idea what she was talking about.

At 11 I remember sleeping on the floor.  I loved soccer, boys, and my big sister.  I couldn’t decide if I was goth, a prep, athletic, or a nerd.  Back then at that age you felt like you had to decide.  I remember girls running from me so they didn’t have to eat lunch with me.  I remember eating against a brick wall with the group that liked to listen to Nirvana and paint their nails black.  I remember being called to the office and them telling me that someone said my dad touched me, I lied and said that the bruises were from playing and whoever said that was lying.

At 13 I was distant.  I hated life, people, where I lived, my dad.  I loved my best friend Andrea and my big brother.  Things were never normal.  Things were never going to be normal.

I never had the opportunity to figure out who I was, who I am.

I never had the opportunity to be a child, to want to “marry my dad”, to dream of my future husband, white picket fence, and kids running in the back.

32 and soul searching, not feeling sorry, or sorrow.  Just wanting the opportunity to know myself.  Wanting to know what I wanted to be when I grew up, or my absolute favorite food as a child, maybe even remember a day when I felt beautiful and not shamed or used or violated.  Patience.

 

 

 

N****R

Let’s just be honest… Let’s just be real…

My kids are bi-racial.  They have a little spicy Hispanic and a little beautiful African American.  They are intelligent, loving, wild, bold, and a pain in the ass.  No not because they’re biracial but rather because they are 9 and 11.  They’re kids.  They’re confusing.  They’re resilient.  So when I went to go shut off my 11 year olds light tonight and she opened her eyes and told me blah called her a nigger today, I was crushed.  I’m a jokester and my first response was “Do you want me to kick her ass?”  My daughter laughed and said “NO Mom!”  We talked a bit about it and I asked her if she knows that comment was wrong and not true, she said I know and moved on.  The fact is I’m her mom, I know what keeps her up at night.  That statement confused her and she didn’t know how to deal with it.  The other fact is kids learn their behaviors from home, and this little girl might have zero knowledge of what it means to say that to someone.  She may just think she’s heard it at home and there was no consequences for it being said.  In my house we don’t get mad at children for racial comments instead we educate, tell an adult, and work through how we feel about what was said.

So pay attention.  Educate. Love.  

Remind your children they’re more then a label.  Remind them they are worthy.

I’m doing the best I can…

I feel like around every corner there is someone who wants to judge my efforts.  That between the hours I spend working, driving, getting the kids to appointments, getting myself to appointments, getting them to sports, finding ways to let them have fun, and giving myself a break that it’s not enough.  I don’t go out, I don’t hang out, I don’t have friends, I don’t party, I don’t date, I don’t sleep, I don’t have sex, I don’t think, I don’t have time.

Sometimes I drown myself in work and sometimes I drown myself in a bottle of wine.  Other times I drown myself in a game on my phone or put on headphones to drown in the noise.  The word mom plays over and over in my head, the word mom rings over and over in my ears.

There is no mercy.  

There are only high expectations.  

I’m expected to be aware.  I’m expected to be present.  I’m expected to give 150% of my whole self every day.  But not just to parenting and providing, but both at the same time.  Stop thinking work is the only thing that matters!! What about your kids?!!  How are you going to pay for that?!! Work harder!! Mom I want a dog, can I have it?! Mom I want you to quit your job and stay with me all day, please mom please … 😢

I’m doing the best I can, that’s all I can do.