I’m doing the best I can…

I feel like around every corner there is someone who wants to judge my efforts.  That between the hours I spend working, driving, getting the kids to appointments, getting myself to appointments, getting them to sports, finding ways to let them have fun, and giving myself a break that it’s not enough.  I don’t go out, I don’t hang out, I don’t have friends, I don’t party, I don’t date, I don’t sleep, I don’t have sex, I don’t think, I don’t have time.

Sometimes I drown myself in work and sometimes I drown myself in a bottle of wine.  Other times I drown myself in a game on my phone or put on headphones to drown in the noise.  The word mom plays over and over in my head, the word mom rings over and over in my ears.

There is no mercy.  

There are only high expectations.  

I’m expected to be aware.  I’m expected to be present.  I’m expected to give 150% of my whole self every day.  But not just to parenting and providing, but both at the same time.  Stop thinking work is the only thing that matters!! What about your kids?!!  How are you going to pay for that?!! Work harder!! Mom I want a dog, can I have it?! Mom I want you to quit your job and stay with me all day, please mom please … 😢

I’m doing the best I can, that’s all I can do.

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