If I could just say what I was thinking…

I’ve never said exactly what I was thinking.   There were times when I just wanted to grab you, shout at you, and make you see what I see.  I tip toed around and around, swept things under the rug over and over, and never just sat across from you and directly said the things that I needed.  My non-negotiables.  My boundaries.  My wants.

When I’m ready, and hopefully one day I am, I’ll tell you all the things I wish I would have long ago.  I’ll tell you about the pain and hurt I felt by your lack of sincerity.  There are so many times I think about when I go back through our time growing up, some happy, some sad, and some I wish I could forget.  Many situations when your actions were down right cruel and unforgiving.  When I think back of the things I’ve wanted to say, I can’t believe I didn’t set my boundaries long ago.  If I could just say everything I was ever thinking…

I would tell you that you’re selfish.

I would tell you that I’ve never really counted on you for valuable advice.

I would tell you that I’m disappointed that you’ve chosen to be so cold hearted.

….that you’ve sat around feeling so sorry for strangers, but you never showed me the compassion I needed for what happened to me.

…that I could never count on you.

I would tell you that I don’t understand why you’re so emotionally unavailable.

I would tell you that I hate how defensive you are.

….that you lack empathy.

….that you self absorbed, fake, and probably just have no idea your self worth

I would tell you that you have no idea how much I love you.  That I never wanted recognition for the things I did for you, I just wanted you to give me the same effort I gave you.  That since I first met you I couldn’t take my eyes off of you because whether you believe it or know it or don’t you really are beautiful, but I want your soul to reflect how beautiful you are on the outside and I know that it can.  I would tell you that I can’t accept any less any more.  That for so long I’ve allowed such a lack of respect and unconditional love that you gave me what I allowed.

Someone recently told me I’m at a turning point in my life, the scariest part is setting boundaries for the ones I love the most and would do anything for.  People like you.





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