I’ve never said exactly what I was thinking. There were times when I just wanted to grab you, shout at you, and make you see what I see. I tip toed around and around, swept things under the rug over and over, and never just sat across from you and directly said the things that I needed. My non-negotiables. My boundaries. My wants.
When I’m ready, and hopefully one day I am, I’ll tell you all the things I wish I would have long ago. I’ll tell you about the pain and hurt I felt by your lack of sincerity. There are so many times I think about when I go back through our time growing up, some happy, some sad, and some I wish I could forget. Many situations when your actions were down right cruel and unforgiving. When I think back of the things I’ve wanted to say, I can’t believe I didn’t set my boundaries long ago. If I could just say everything I was ever thinking…
I would tell you that you’re selfish.
I would tell you that I’ve never really counted on you for valuable advice.
I would tell you that I’m disappointed that you’ve chosen to be so cold hearted.
….that you’ve sat around feeling so sorry for strangers, but you never showed me the compassion I needed for what happened to me.
…that I could never count on you.
I would tell you that I don’t understand why you’re so emotionally unavailable.
I would tell you that I hate how defensive you are.
….that you lack empathy.
….that you self absorbed, fake, and probably just have no idea your self worth
I would tell you that you have no idea how much I love you. That I never wanted recognition for the things I did for you, I just wanted you to give me the same effort I gave you. That since I first met you I couldn’t take my eyes off of you because whether you believe it or know it or don’t you really are beautiful, but I want your soul to reflect how beautiful you are on the outside and I know that it can. I would tell you that I can’t accept any less any more. That for so long I’ve allowed such a lack of respect and unconditional love that you gave me what I allowed.
Someone recently told me I’m at a turning point in my life, the scariest part is setting boundaries for the ones I love the most and would do anything for. People like you.