I’m Guinevere…

“For as much as she stumbled she’s runnin’ For as much as she runs she’s still here Always hoping to find something Quicker than heaven To make the damage of her days disappear….Just like Guinevere….Just like Guinevere”

No I’m not Guinevere because I’m out slutting it up with married men. No I’m not Guinevere because I’m sleeping around. The history of Guinevere is that she ran and ran looking for a way to right her wrongs. She wanted so badly to make things right.  
I listen to the words of the song by Eli Young Band over and over and can’t help but relate. I run, I hide, I reject, I move.
I don’t hang on to anything that requires commitment. So many times I find myself in a position where someone just wants to love me but I turn away. My life has become a habit of catch and release. I don’t mean it, it’s not intentional. I hate what I’ve become, I hate that I can’t stop the behavior. I hate that this is what life has become and that I madly, truly, deeply want to find someone to love, to hold and to share my life with. I hate that I blame my past on my reality. That my only definition of love has been hurt, neglect, abuse, pain, dishonesty, ….
I don’t want to hurt others because of my hurt.  That’s not who I want to be.  That’s not me.

….”Following the death of Arthur, Guinevere entered a convent, where she spent the rest of her life praying and helping the poor. Filled with remorse for the trouble she and her lover had caused, she vowed never to see Lancelot again. When Guinevere died, she was buried beside King Arthur.”

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