Grieving…

Tomorrow I go say goodbye to my oldest cousin.  How old is he?  I honestly couldn’t tell you…. What I can tell you is he was to young to die.  He was to young to experience the pain he felt before his death and he was to young to say goodbye to his children, sisters, brothers, and family. 

Ray is the oldest of 50 plus cousins, first and second generation.  When his dad died I didn’t live in state and didn’t go to the funeral.  When his dad’s brother died I lived out of state and didn’t go to the funeral and when his other dads brother died I again lived out of state and wasn’t there to go to the funeral.  Now at 33 I’m going to say goodbye to Ray Jr. and feel like I’m saying goodbye to all of them at once.  To my uncles, all 3, whom I have very fond memories of.  My uncles who loved me and wanted to protect me.  My uncles who knew the secrets I was facing but had their own.  There’s still 7 more brothers and sisters alive and well.  There’s still 50 plus cousins alive and well but I can’t help but realize this is the beginning of me having to say goodbye.  I can’t mentally or emotionally wrap my head around that.  

Since his passing days ago I’ve been in a daze, I’ve been torn and in shambles.  I don’t want to go say goodbye.  I don’t want to go and look in the eyes of one of my closest cousins, his brother, and say I’m sorry when for over 7 months now I could have went to see Jr. but never did.  I’m an empath to the core and will leave there taking every bit of pain, grief, emotion everyone is feeling and not know where to place it for days.  I will be so frustrated with myself if I go on with life and don’t continue to mourn “properly”. 

I just wish sometimes I was still far away. That I still had an excuse not to look reality in the face, or in this case the casket.  RIP Jr. RIP Uncle Ray RIP Uncle Ed and RIP my beloved, favorite(shhh), loving, amazing Uncle Joe 😘😘 

Until we see each other again.

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