3 months ago I started seeing a therapist, I started taking Celexa, I started wanting to know why I continued to give the people I loved the most all of me. My time, my love, my space, my energy, my money, my strength, my all.
As she described my closest relationships she continued using the terms give, gave and take. She subtly described my relationships as draining and selfish. Eventually she told me she wanted to get to the bottom of why I value myself so little. Why I lacked self worth.
I thought back and related my need to give, my extreme empathy, and my selflessness to my past. I wanted to make excuses for those who took advantage of me. That week I cut ties with two of the most draining people in my life. By cut ties I mean I created conflict to push them away, to give myself an excuse to hurt them the way they hurt me for so long.
That moment hurt, it still hurts.
I won’t deny the pain those relationships caused. I also won’t make excuses for the pain I then caused. I couldn’t believe someone on the outside was able to point out my need for love, my willingness to accept less was being taken advantage of by people I trusted the most… it made me angry, it hurt.
As I make decisions on what I will and won’t accept anymore I still question if it was “that bad.” If maybe that’s just who I am…. someone who’s available at the drop of a hat, someone who will give every last drop emotionally just to see others smile. Someone who “understands” what I give can’t be reciprocated. Someone who makes excuses for others and where they are lacking. Someone who has compromised my need to show my children what healthy love looks like.
As I seek out how to find my self worth all I can do is pray I’m strong enough to set healthy boundaries. That I’m strong enough to say no. That I’m strong enough to allow myself to be loved as deeply as I love.