Drowning

It’s been awhile since I’ve picked up the bottle; the whole bottle at least. I think I’ve somewhat learned to manage my need to numb the racing thoughts, pain, and shame attached to my experiences. The problem is once I stopped drowning in my addiction, I started drowning in the emotions I’ve tried to subdue.

I’ve realized, I don’t know how to recover from this pain, I don’t know how to shut off the sounds my mind makes, and I don’t know how to acknowledge and release.

I’m afraid of what that’s doing to me physically, mentally, and emotionally. I just know I can’t seem to find my breath.

They should have…

We tell ourselves as parents, educators, coaches, bystanders “they should have”, they should have learned better in their home.  We try to convince ourselves that the child that just pushed our kid down on the playground must not be being disciplined properly at home.  That the little girl that’s already kissing boys in sixth grade must have parents that don’t give her any boundaries.  That the little boy that doesn’t want to share wasn’t taught kindness.

What if that child that just pushed our son down experiences abuse regularly by his older brothers and sisters.  That little girl who kissed a boy is being sexually abused by her mothers  boyfriend.  The little boy who doesn’t like to share has no toys, no food, and no room to call his own.

I read daily about children who have experienced abuse and neglect from the ones they trust the most.  We continue saying the responsibility to teach kindness, empathy, and love have to come from their home … but they don’t always learn it there.

Our job as parents, educators, coaches, and even bystanders is to always express these characteristics, regardless of their behavior.  We should take every opportunity to show compassion, understanding, and grace.  To the child that pushes your child, show them love, and show them what forgiveness looks like.  To the little girl that may be making risky decisions, show her love, show her that she is worthy of better choices.  To the little boy that may seem selfish, show him love, and show him grace.

We may think “they should have” learned all of this at home but it’s our job, as a coach, as a parent, as a teacher, to show them with our actions.

Praise and worship

There were a lot of crazy people there tonight!  I was uncomfortable, I was conflicted, and I thought about my past.  I remember being forced to raise my hands, forced to speak in tongues, forced to sing along, and forced to have a relationship with God when I didn’t even know what that meant.  I didn’t feel God in that space, I felt memories of my past creeping in although I felt the God I was forced to experience was still in that space.  

My reality is I still love God, I still love my personal relationship with him and I still believe in what he’s done for me.  What I don’t believe is the idea that I have to worship him a certain way, that he will only love me if I’m raising my hands, or jumping around, or doing everything right.  My reality is I can make mistakes and I am still so so loved through God grace. 🙏🏽

It will be worth it

I clear my mind, wake up a little earlier, drink some tea, drink less wine, sleep peacefully, but not always peacefully.  I still occasionally roll up into that scared little girl in my mind, or feel the rage of that 20 some year old in my blood.  I suppose it will never all go away.  I suppose living with peace in my body, soul, and mind will continue to take more time.  For an impatient person like me the thought of giving up seems easier at times.  But I’ve given up a million times before, I have to know how peace in my soul feels.

Couldn’t even if we tried…

I can’t change him.  I won’t wake up tomorrow and find out everything will be easier.  I’m not going to get a month of uninterrupted sleep.  I’m not going to take him on vacation to somewhere beautiful and him see the world through my eyes.  I’ll always be trying to find the right medication for him.  I’ll continue to wonder what I could do differently.  

He can’t change.  He won’t wake up tomorrow and find out everything will be easier.  He won’t fall asleep tonight peacefully.  He doesn’t want to go on vacation somewhere beautiful, he wants to stay home where he feels safe.  He’ll always be taking new medications not knowing why his body has no control over itself.  He’ll continue wishing I could do something different.

Tonight I’m apologetically wishing things were different.  That I’ll wake up tomorrow and won’t have to fight for him.  That he’ll wake up tomorrow and won’t have to fight.

Work … work … work … work … workaholic…

I love my new job, I’m a little over 2 months in.  I’m feeling successful, feeling driven, and feel proud of myself for moving forward in my career.

I have a distinct skill; I know how to create relationships just long enough to gain trust, then gain business, then walk away.  If you ask any of my customers about me, 9 out of 10 couldn’t tell you anything about my personal life.  They couldn’t tell you my kids names, what they look like, that I have a dog, that my son is special needs, that my daughter loves art, that I live in a small town, or that I’m a survivor.  As for me, I know their wife’s name, where their kids went to college, their favorite color, and how they like their coffee.  

I’m a professional at hiding my life.  An over achiever at making sure I’m not giving to much information.  I’m in control of every conversation.

Then I go home….

I go home to my reality.  My dog jumps up with excitement, my son can’t focus past the TV, my daughter is absorbed in a fairy tale of not having to deal with her mom focusing on her brother and his disability.  I realize I can’t hide, I can’t achieve more then the day allows, and I have little control over the life I’ve been given.

I tell them I love them, make sure they fed the dog, ask what homework they have, make them some food, and go sit in front of my computer.

I’m back in a space where I have complete control.  Where only I can affect the outcome…

The countdown…

65 days … until my first born becomes a teen.  She saved me.  She challenges me.  She’s grandmas little princess.

39 days … until Christmas.  Family, friends, Moms tamales, laughing, drinking, Jesus.

29 days … until my sisters due date.  The youngest grand baby, her first child.  Grandma can’t wait.

7 days … until Thanksgiving.  Moms pies, ham, football, Sam Adams.  Giving thanks.

5 days … until the youngest grand baby, my son turns 11.  Wild boy to the core.  Grandmas friend.

-1 day … the day my Mom told me she was diagnosed with breast cancer.

A letter to you… his teacher…

My concern is you are dealing with a brilliant little boy who is taking medication in order to help make him “school” teachable. I’m risking his well being to make life easier on you. I’m interchanging medication because he’s not the ideal child in your classroom. When things aren’t going as expected he is being punished to “behave” within your expected guidelines.  Where do I as a parent draw the line and expect you to work within his guidelines? To convert your expectations of the ideal child into non-ideal solutions?

This isn’t going to be easy, this is going to be hard. This is going to require even more thought and effort on your part then me as his parent. You are going to run into expectations from the state, from your superiors, from me, to meet all their guidelines while serving him as a child who needs the same education and support as those “ideal” children around him. So what are your plans?

Out of his control…

It stopped working again…. things were going picture perfect.  He was happy, I was happy, she was happy…. until about a week ago. 

His afternoons started bringing back memories of his past.  When he was angry, self deprecating, suicidal.  He was only 9 at the time.  He’s only 10 now.

His side affects are crippling his life.  Our lives are being flipped upside down again.  The evening are turning into him only happy if he’s alone in his room with the tv on.  He just wants to be left alone.  

No one needs to tell me it’s not about me.  But my reality isn’t yours.  He has no control over his emotions, but I have control over mine and still can’t stop from being angry, sad, and confused.

I miss him when he’s gone, when the medicine isn’t working, when he’s angry and not himself.  I just want to scream at him and ask him to stop hurting his sister and me, but he’s not there.  He’s not him. 

When the lights go out…

It’s always after they fall asleep, lights off, darkness around me with only my phone shining that I read a blog post, or article about parenting.  How we should do better, be better.  Why shutting off our phones or closing the laptop and really listening is so important.  I read about the kids who remember one thing, not the money, not the toys, not the gifts, just the memories.   The ones who only have memories.  Tears literally pour and I want to go and wake them up and tell them how sorry I am.  I’ll be more present, I’ll do better.  I’ll play that game, bake that cake, read that book, hug them a little longer because they’re fading into finding that joy elsewhere.  
The truth is I’m scared.  I am so afraid that I’m not getting this right.  That I’m spending so much time on providing “things” that I’m not providing the only thing that they need.  That they want.  Just me.