Calm, Cool, Collective

…. Chaotic … Cautious … Complex
I started writing because relationships for me have gotten even more empty then they were years ago. My lack of ability to find and keep true friends is affecting my children’s social growth not to mention the walls I’ve built really just aren’t healthy. I need people who stimulate my mind and feed my interests and it really truly is hard to find that the older you get. My mind moves faster then my pen, my mind moves faster then my eyes, my mind moves faster then my hands, I can’t keep up sometimes and lie awake feeling so exhausted with nothing to talk to but paper. Fact is I’m not boring, I enjoy the same things most of you do, but a conversation that lasts more then 5 minutes is special to me, my work is my passion, and interruptions usually cause me to have to start over. I rarely get angry and steer clear of petty people and things. Life is beautiful and over analyzing for me makes me tired but I do it allll the time.
Back to work….

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Late night noises

Insomnia is a bitch… I mean it really is. If it wasn’t for it I wouldn’t be so familiar with every sound the night makes. I still haven’t figured out if all the noise is coming from outside, downstairs or why some go away when I wake up in the morning. The tapping coming from behind my head, soft enough that I don’t usually need to turn around but loud enough that I grab the blanket a little tighter. The loud banging noise the heater makes right before it turns on, or the sound of the house settling at least that’s what I’m told it is when I hear the sound of cracking wood around me. I notice every. single. sound. The loud breathing from down the hall that can turn into a snore at any moment. The train that’s going by and strange loud bang that just happened outside hopefully in the distance.
Sleep would be perfect right now if only closing my eyes meant falling asleep.

Empty

Everyone is getting married. The ones who aren’t getting married are already married, the ones who aren’t already married are in happy relationships 😳 OK maybe I’m exaggerating but then again maybe not………….
Now would be the absolute worst time for a relationship because of how empty I feel. Not that anything is presenting itself even if I’m trying. I’m probably at this over 30 stage in my life where I just don’t know what I’m supposed to do next other then vent. Two kids, great job, home, … feeling empty. Bah humbug .. Until tomorrow …

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